Stifled screams

 

I run far from you at night when I’m asleep

‘Cuz the only place where there’s freedom and happiness is in my dreams

At first it really doesn’t seem that bad

What else should I expect? Having made him so mad

It really starts so subtly I just let it slide

Till today’s degrading insult causes tomorrow’s fist fight

And the fight after that, and the one after that, and the one after that

Over and over and over again…

Till I hate myself for loving you and life’s purpose ceases to be

Till a day without fear exists only as a memory

 

Pain, anger, confusion, just to name a few

All of which are brought on by you

And the things that are supposed to be out of the ordinary

Somehow become life’s normalities

 

But as it got worse I suddenly realised

That him putting the blame on me was such a disguise

Truth is, I was scared and so I thought I must stay

So in exchange for my ‘security’ I gave my life away

 

But I left when it became a little too much

And this is how I knew when that was…

 

When the bruises were too severe to be the result of a ‘fall’

And my children suffered most of all

When I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t flinch

When he raised his hand, even if it was only an inch

When old pictures became a reminder of my smile

When I could no longer ignore the person that I was, stifled on the inside

The fear of even opening my eyes

As it meant admitting for yet another day that I was alive

But most of all:

Falling into the trap of also convincing myself

That I must somehow deserve all that I get

 

“I’m sorry I promise I won’t do it again”

But this song is all too familiar in my head

“I really love you but I don’t know what happens to me

I can’t control it I don’t know why I get so angry”

“If you leave me what would I do?

Don’t you see I’ll be a wreck without you?”

 

I believed you! I believed EVERY word!

And sometimes I wonder, how stupid can one person be?

Well unfortunately I’m the living testimony

 

The questions ran faster than I could make excuses

I’ll feel too embarrassed, should I tell anybody?

No! They’ll think I’m weak; they’ll make a fool of me

What if he really kills me if I try to leave him?

Am I risking never seeing my family and friends again?

 

Now these questions remain unanswered in my mind

But the hardest are the comments that come from the outside

Not always verbal but the stares hurt just as much

As in my mind I hear them saying, “Well she deserved just what she got”

Is there joy to be found in the victory of hiding and pretending to be strong?

Or the ultimate shame for belonging to a family that ignored it all along

For I think deep down they figured it out somehow…

 

I’d say you have to walk in my shoes to understand

But I’ll never, not for a moment wish this on anybody

You read and think “that’s sad but it would never happen to me”

Hah! Well that’s what I thought before writing my life story

 

I’ve gone through more than I could imagine and I hope I make it through

But I also know that in the end the one who truly suffered the most was you

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vianney-Marie
    Jul 06, 2015 @ 17:04:25

    wow

    Reply

  2. Chronicles of the Chrysalis
    Nov 05, 2015 @ 19:24:34

    somewhere out there a woman who has undergone this experience but didnt have the words is being lifted right now because you gave her a voice..keep writing

    Reply

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