Insecurities

Somehow always present
It mimics a shadow and sadly appears when the light that I need most is fading away
These shadows that plague me
These eternal insecurities

It’s a ravenous monster that feeds on every ounce of trust
And grinds every optimistic bone in my body to the finest dust
This shadow plagues me
This eternal insecurity

It’s the voice in my head telling me it just wont work
And the thought in my mind to fight against a decision I just took
My shadow plagues me
My eternal insecurity

It’s the crazy mixture of anxiety and panic that I nurture
Coupled with the same worries over and over
Many shadows plague me
Many eternal insecurities

And when love finally finds a way in
It gets kicked out the back door
Back out the door it goes
With its head bowed in defeat
Hoping to find an entrance through a vulnerable crack

I wished for your sake that I could erase this part of me
Then I saw that in reality
You are the light that shines brightly
To eliminate the shadow of my insecurities
It was then that I heard a knock at the front door
It was love hoping to enter once more

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Rest in peace dear heart

Being an involuntary heart donor leaves you lifeless.
I was willing to share my heart with you
but in the end you left and took it entirely
Boldly and without remorse as if it had always belonged to you.

My mind threw out a life jacket for my heart but it was rejected
and by the time my heart decided I really needed it
I had already drowned in the ocean of you.
I should have followed the compass of my conscience
while sailing the treacherous waters of your presence.
It was too late when I realised that I had sacrificed smooth sailing
the moment I handed over the steering.

They say one day someone will hug you so tightly
That all your broken pieces will stick back together.
When did you replace that glue with water?
How did u convince me that a chokehold was the hug of a lover?
Love made me blind and so you were my leader.
Well here’s to starting over.

My heart was beaten so it was no longer beating
I was barely alive but no longer living
Now I’m left dead,
Because a body without a heart
is a corpse that has lost it’s reason for being.
And what could be more frightening?

Today I buried you in the graveyard quietly,
in the space where my heart used to be.
The place where lovers go to die.
The place where painful memories reside.
The place where broken dreams unite.

To the person who once meant everything,
You hurt me to the core.

I stand in black
In the darkness brought on by the shadow of your empty promises.
Now I must pay my respects.
Although you were my one and only dearheart,
All I can say to myself now as if it were an apology is

Rest in peace my dear…heart

Stop, Listen, Act, Repeat

Speak Lord your servant is listening… to her favourite song,
Reviewing her ambitious goals once again,
Sighing at the mountain of bills on the table,
Stressing over the difficulties at work,
Searching for the next high while struggling through the inevitable lows

Speak Lord your servant is…
Listing all that she has yet to do,
Offering prayers of empty and selfish petitions,
Sinking into a superficiality that knows no bounds
But mainly, ignoring you through the noise cancelling headphones called society as it repeats its soothing playlist of comforting lies.

Stop. Listen. Act. Repeat
Since we’re used to patterns and comforted by routine

Stop rushing through the life that you long to wholeheartedly live
You’re a living,breathing paradox
Trying to live life as you please then crying out to God on your knees
And while your heart speaks your mind hears the opposite
And when your mind reasons, your heart fails to capture it
Do your thoughts travel so far that the distance creates a language barrier which stifles understanding?
So you never come to understand the meeting point for where you are and where you’d like to be
And you can never merge who you are with who you are meant to be
Stop waiting for the right moment when this is the moment you have right now
Stop pursuing what can only provide temporary relief
Stop applying bandaids that never cause your scars to breathe and heal
Stop and listen

Listen to the voice of the ever present optimism
The one buried under the blanket that you’ve woven together with your fears, worries and failures
There’s a voice that never lies, a voice so sweet and soothing that whispers saying
Listen to me
Come to me
Cling to me
Soften your heart to cultivate and understand the words that are meant only for you
Let them bloom and may they inspire too
To provide direction in the journey of life.
And when we are tempted to stray,
May they be the flowers we stop to smell along the way
Listen and act

Act as if you have already received all that  you unceasingly hope and dream for
Be thankful if you don’t knowing that the best is what’s in store
Be the one that brings a positive change
To eliminate the same negativity we’ve all helped to create
If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains
Then we have the ability to reorder the scenery and liven up the surroundings
Why wait to then live in regret?
This is change and it goes step by step
Direct my paths so that they always lead to you
In everything I say, think and do

Speak Lord your servant IS listening
And if ever the waves of life overwhelm me and I need to retreat
I’ll know that you are there to make me complete
If ever I’m lost saying, “It’s too much, I’m weak and I can’t do it.”
I’ll stop,listen,act and repeat.

Dilemmas of a masochistic lover

Why do I keep going back when I know how it will end?
You are the junk food that I poison my body with time after time
So good but yet toxic in great quantities
And I have taken you in abundantly in greater doses than I was able to digest
And now I’m physically upset from the excess
Even mentally upset from just the thought of you
Has love turned me into a masochist?
But you see, love does not thrive on pain
So then it must be a crazy spell of infatuation that has me under a curse which I cannot escape

Your eyes are endless in wrapping me in
And your presence is like quicksand
So the more I try to get away the deeper I fall into your trance
And we go back and forth in this endless dance
But now the music is coming to an end
And the onlookers have all cleared
So I’m left in the middle of the dance floor alone yet again
While you whisper to someone else ‘May I have this dance?’

I promised myself that I would not fall in love again
While my mind agreed, somewhere along the lines my heart inserted the word ‘unless’ into the clause
And by the time I realised, I had already fallen for you

So I wish I could tell her it’s a trap
That I’ve been down that road before and it’s a dead end
But maybe you’d have some luck
Maybe you’d be the one to restore colour to that fading rainbow
So you can find your pot of gold
Maybe I was the problem

I stand here broken when I thought there was nothing left to break
Im broken
Like the silence that I have broken with my screaming outbursts of pain
Medicine can only curb physical pain
But there’s no emotional quickfix, no cure for heartbreak
I long to destroy the boomerang that you’ve placed on my heart as it makes me come back to you
Each and every time without fail
Let my fear of you truly make it the last time
This is without a doubt my final goodbye

Relationship Math

Let’s review some lessons

Listen up, take notes

Class is now in session

 

We started with a universal set in a world that was ours to treasure

There was a point where we intersected

However, we soon found ourselves in two separate circles

We no longer had anything in common

 

Question #1

We were different in the numerators of our personality

And the parts of myself that I gave to you were never enough to make you whole

You always wanted to be greater

So how can the two become one without a common denominator?

 

Question #2

All I have is one heart and I shared it all with you but you didn’t appreciate it.

How many broken pieces am I now left with?

Too many to count

So the problem can’t be solved

 

Question #3

BODMAS

Brackets, orders, divide, multiply, add, subtract

You placed me in a bracket so I was easier to manipulate

And dished out orders as a means of control

This divided and diminished the love I had for you

And only multiplied my doubts

Which added to my fears and confusion

This could only lead to your subtraction

You have to be taken away as you are an unnecessary distraction

 

You are so negative that you cancel all my positive efforts

Your hurtful words are like recurring decimals in my mind

They’re never ending

You surpass the limits of disappointment on a scale of one to infinity

You’re an abstract and incomprehensible entity

 

Somehow I feel as though there’s someone else in this equation

And that unknown variable is x

Specifically your ex

Your ex plus me plus you could never equal us

I don’t want to be caught in a love triangle

While you challenge me to look at it from a different angle

But to me it just seems like you’re more than friends

It can’t just be all in my head

 

The probability that you would leave was always greater than the chance that you would stay

Unfortunately I realised when I had already given it all away

I know what the answer should be but I don’t know how to work it out

I’m stuck thinking of what this could all be about

 

So all I seem to have are questions without answers

All we seem to create are problems without solutions

These are all things we could have dealt with, if you only paid more attention

If only you weren’t always absent

So …

Maybe it’s not that u can’t do Math accurately

Or maybe it’s me

Maybe we’re both strong in Math and what’s really weak is our Chemistry

I pray,wish,hope,long,trust

I pray that your wandering eyes lead you to appreciate the wonder of true love

I pray that my vision be purified to gaze in admiration at the aura you manifest by being imperfectly perfect

I wish to savour the unique essence that only you possess and be satisfied by the fullness of how great you are

I wish you taste the sweetness that life has to offer and that in sampling what is not desired you hold firmly to all that is good

I hope that your touch is ever present to reassure me of all I already know and calm my deepest fears

I hope that my touch is always gentle and warm to eradicate the coldness of life’s challenges and speak volumes when words fall short

I long to inhale and experience the calming effects of mutual love and appreciation

I long to strive to be everything you need so you can breathe in all that you crave for and rightfully deserve

I trust that when I speak you hear me,
That the words not only enter your ears but travel further and are understood by your heart and embedded into your soul

I trust that when you speak they are always words of truth that water any drought in my mind and give life to new outlooks

I
Pray,

Wish,

Hope,

Long,

Trust.

Do you?

 

Sorry Not Sorry

You never said sorry

And you probably never will

So why am I still waiting knowing that I’m waiting in vain?

I persevere out of the desperation to be consoled

Rather than out of a genuine source of hope

That maybe just one day you will

 

I won’t ask for what belongs to me

I won’t beg for what I deserve

I refuse to yearn constantly and be left empty

I refuse to be crippled by a mistake not forgiven

But I won’t refuse a sorry even if it’s late

 

Don’t think that you can cover it over with something material

Because the material of which my heart is made cannot be bought

A broken heart can’t be mended with empty promises and failed attempts

Don’t hide behind the merit of your actions

As if we communicate through interpretive dance

Speak!

 

I want to hear the words spoken clearly

As real as you are when you stand near me

As real as the pain I felt when you left me

As real as your apparent inability

To utter two simple words

‘I’m sorry’

 

I jumble all the phrases you’ve ever uttered

Hoping to find a complete answer

In this crossword that you’ve created with your crossed words

There’s no getting out of the maze of this word search

As I search hopelessly for those words

Which just…

Aren’t there

 

Now I feel sorry for you

Because you can’t see where you went wrong

Because your moral GPS is broken

So you’ve lost your sense of direction

And when I look in your eyes

The hurt multiplies

I carry your pain and I carry mine

So until your sorry unlocks the handcuffs that are tight enough to cripple me

I’ll be here waiting patiently

Never Say Never

 

Be assured that you can never say never

 

We’ve all been betrayed by those whom we love dearly

Those who call themselves friends and even our family

But what hurts more than being betrayed itself is when it’s by those you really trust

You beg ‘Lord take it away but I’ll suffer if I must’

You get to a point where you can hardly bare the immensity of such pain

But you fight through it knowing that such suffering could never be in vain

Looking around for a helping hand, a smile or even someone to greet

But there’s nothing and no one..it’s as if the world had fallen asleep

 

It really is amazing to see how quickly a rumour can spread

And how selective people are to solely believe what the enemy has said

Using undeserved power to say who’s good and who’s bad, what’s wrong and what’s right  

Until the truth becomes covered by slanders and lies

It sinks deeper and lower with every mistaken stare, every lashing insult

Blood, sweat and tears is what it seems to take

To continue on the way after one is betrayed…

 

You’ve made a fool out of me with your endless mockery

Am I then now living my self-fulfilling prophecy?

How much love would it take, to shatter your myopic state?

My interior silence amplifies your shouts of disgust

So falsely interpreted, so unknowingly unjust

But I refuse to act in a way that mirrors what I must endure

Through this hurt, shame and pain I’ll love you even more

 

Love you even more although you’re unable to care

So upon my shoulders this cross I shall bear

Not pleading for answers to the hows and whys.

With each step I recall a happy memory from the past  

And with each fall I’m now reminded of the great contrast

But I’m determined to get to the top of this hill in my life

So no matter what I’ll continue to strive

 

It seems as if it’s coming to an end

Maybe you’re satisfied that you’ve had your revenge

Out of all only a few feel sorry for what they did

But the numbers aren’t important, those few I now forgive

I’ve given everything and all I can say is ‘It is done’

Three days from now I’ll rise above this and be as radiant as the sun

 

All this, I suffered for you

Because of the betrayal of those who shouted ‘Crucify Jesus, the King of the Jews!’

If someone were to ask us,

Would you fall asleep and leave your friend to suffer alone?

Would you scourge a man who did nothing wrong?

Would you crown someone with thorns and make them walk with a large wooden cross for miles?

Then nail them to the cross and leave them there to die?

 

And of course to this we’ll all answer

Me? Do such horrible things?  I could never

Well every time we sin this is what we ought to remember

And then we’ll be assured that we can never say never

Slow down

When did we start choosing between a great sense of security
And all the things that make us happy?
Well I wanted both, in a sense I demanded it
But before that there was a list to complete

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
Postponing as if I could put it off forever
Not now,maybe later, just a little while longer
I have to meet all the deadlines that were laid out from the beginning of time
Thank you society for mapping out my life
And by allowing me not to think,I forced myself to comply
I must finish somehow
Priorities and dreams
Dreams and priorities
Should there be a difference?
Which do you choose in the end?

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
Childhood flies by for some reason
But they say time flies when you’re having fun
Then comes the difficult and gruelling existence
Of a horrid stage called adolescence
School, friends, emotions, changes
It all comes in different stages
THAT’S LIFE!
Work harder, be smarter, be greater
Give more, because your all is somehow not enough

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
You do more but gain less
Lose sleep and increase stress
Accept wrongs without redress
The problems are endless
And life just seems senseless

You spiral out of control until you’re stopped suddenly by the force of
ADULTHOOD
Disoriented as to how you got there
So you stumble and try to figure it out
And just when you think you’ve got it together
The pieces fall apart even faster
Faster than you can bare to repair
Because it’s all too much

So why doesn’t time just slow down so I can do it all?
You only now decide to depend on he who could have helped from the start
And you’re amazed at the great difference that a change in perspective can bring
Now you know how to value all that you’ve unfortunately wasted
Time is running out in this journey called life
And as I sit here reflecting
I realise that it was never the time that was meant to slow down

It was me.

Release

Guilt is fostered by the knowledge of one’s own faults
Not by any other person, but from within our hearts, our thoughts
It lingers in our minds though we already can’t forget
And leaves a feeling of endless regret
 
We have so much but yet so little,
Hearts that can’t feel God’s unfailing love
Eyes that can’t see the blessings from above
A jewel is no less than golden treasure
So too a baby’s life no less than that of its mother
 
It’s funny, can the word ‘doctor’ just be a disguise?
Using it freely knowing we mean otherwise
Boldy assuming such a cruel responsibility
With no regard for life, no mercy
 
The unborn finds comfort in the father’s warm embrace
And silence itself speaks to your heart
For they are not forgotten only set apart
‘I will never leave you nor forsake you my child’
‘I formed you in your mother’s womb and called you to be mine’
 
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
For we cannot judge what we don’t know
We all make mistakes, we’re only human
But what is done can also be forgiven
 
God looks at your heart, he knows if you’re sorry
The nights you wept when a voice cried out ‘mummy’
But his love is greater than you’ll ever understand
Release and take refuge in the palm of his hands

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