Dilemmas of a masochistic lover

Why do I keep going back when I know how it will end?
You are the junk food that I poison my body with time after time
So good but yet toxic in great quantities
And I have taken you in abundantly in greater doses than I was able to digest
And now I’m physically upset from the excess
Even mentally upset from just the thought of you
Has love turned me into a masochist?
But you see, love does not thrive on pain
So then it must be a crazy spell of infatuation that has me under a curse which I cannot escape

Your eyes are endless in wrapping me in
And your presence is like quicksand
So the more I try to get away the deeper I fall into your trance
And we go back and forth in this endless dance
But now the music is coming to an end
And the onlookers have all cleared
So I’m left in the middle of the dance floor alone yet again
While you whisper to someone else ‘May I have this dance?’

I promised myself that I would not fall in love again
While my mind agreed, somewhere along the lines my heart inserted the word ‘unless’ into the clause
And by the time I realised, I had already fallen for you

So I wish I could tell her it’s a trap
That I’ve been down that road before and it’s a dead end
But maybe you’d have some luck
Maybe you’d be the one to restore colour to that fading rainbow
So you can find your pot of gold
Maybe I was the problem

I stand here broken when I thought there was nothing left to break
Im broken
Like the silence that I have broken with my screaming outbursts of pain
Medicine can only curb physical pain
But there’s no emotional quickfix, no cure for heartbreak
I long to destroy the boomerang that you’ve placed on my heart as it makes me come back to you
Each and every time without fail
Let my fear of you truly make it the last time
This is without a doubt my final goodbye

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Relationship Math

Let’s review some lessons

Listen up, take notes

Class is now in session

 

We started with a universal set in a world that was ours to treasure

There was a point where we intersected

However, we soon found ourselves in two separate circles

We no longer had anything in common

 

Question #1

We were different in the numerators of our personality

And the parts of myself that I gave to you were never enough to make you whole

You always wanted to be greater

So how can the two become one without a common denominator?

 

Question #2

All I have is one heart and I shared it all with you but you didn’t appreciate it.

How many broken pieces am I now left with?

Too many to count

So the problem can’t be solved

 

Question #3

BODMAS

Brackets, orders, divide, multiply, add, subtract

You placed me in a bracket so I was easier to manipulate

And dished out orders as a means of control

This divided and diminished the love I had for you

And only multiplied my doubts

Which added to my fears and confusion

This could only lead to your subtraction

You have to be taken away as you are an unnecessary distraction

 

You are so negative that you cancel all my positive efforts

Your hurtful words are like recurring decimals in my mind

They’re never ending

You surpass the limits of disappointment on a scale of one to infinity

You’re an abstract and incomprehensible entity

 

Somehow I feel as though there’s someone else in this equation

And that unknown variable is x

Specifically your ex

Your ex plus me plus you could never equal us

I don’t want to be caught in a love triangle

While you challenge me to look at it from a different angle

But to me it just seems like you’re more than friends

It can’t just be all in my head

 

The probability that you would leave was always greater than the chance that you would stay

Unfortunately I realised when I had already given it all away

I know what the answer should be but I don’t know how to work it out

I’m stuck thinking of what this could all be about

 

So all I seem to have are questions without answers

All we seem to create are problems without solutions

These are all things we could have dealt with, if you only paid more attention

If only you weren’t always absent

So …

Maybe it’s not that u can’t do Math accurately

Or maybe it’s me

Maybe we’re both strong in Math and what’s really weak is our Chemistry

I pray,wish,hope,long,trust

I pray that your wandering eyes lead you to appreciate the wonder of true love

I pray that my vision be purified to gaze in admiration at the aura you manifest by being imperfectly perfect

I wish to savour the unique essence that only you possess and be satisfied by the fullness of how great you are

I wish you taste the sweetness that life has to offer and that in sampling what is not desired you hold firmly to all that is good

I hope that your touch is ever present to reassure me of all I already know and calm my deepest fears

I hope that my touch is always gentle and warm to eradicate the coldness of life’s challenges and speak volumes when words fall short

I long to inhale and experience the calming effects of mutual love and appreciation

I long to strive to be everything you need so you can breathe in all that you crave for and rightfully deserve

I trust that when I speak you hear me,
That the words not only enter your ears but travel further and are understood by your heart and embedded into your soul

I trust that when you speak they are always words of truth that water any drought in my mind and give life to new outlooks

I
Pray,

Wish,

Hope,

Long,

Trust.

Do you?

 

They will know you by your…. jewellery?

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Yet another request came in for a blog post, this time from overseas. For those who are unable to read the text it says:

Show your faith with religious jewelry. Easter Sunday March 27th.

I’ve been putting this one off for a while but I’ve finally beaten procrastination so here goes. Believe it or not it’s still Easter and so this post is quite appropriate. One day on my way home from work I fought the great fight to keep my eyes open as I was determined not to endure the embarrassment and hassle of missing my stop or being caught with my mouth wide open. In between sleep and wake I heard an ad on the radio encouraging consumers to get ready for Easter by taking advantage of the great sales to get their flip flops and have the cooler ready for that trip to the beach. Using those standards, I would have been considered well underprepared for Easter. Furthermore, there was always an enthusiastic conversation filled with well informed opinions of where to get the ‘bess’ hot cross buns. Comments would range from ‘nah their own too dry’ to ‘hmm dem duz rel minge on the icing’ and of course we can’t exclude the ‘they rel expensive, I should try to make my own ting home’. While there is nothing wrong in all of this, we must know how to strike a balance.

As I looked at the picture above all these thoughts came to mind and I couldn’t help but join that group of ‘holiday haters’ even if temporarily. We all know someone that boasts of membership to this group, those who refuse to indulge in the highly consumerized nature of celebrations such as Mother’s day, Valentine’s day and even Christmas.  I am not imposing my religious views on anyone, which is why I highlighted Mother’s day and Valentine’s day but we can all agree that consumerism is at times an all too powerful driving force in society.

Mother’s day seems to overcompensate for all other days of the year with extravagant purchases being made. Valentine’s day is a competition among lovers to be the best and show the most expensive, outward sign of an often disproportionate and superficial inward disposition of love. Easter is now about bunnies, parades, beach limes and apparently religiously themed jewellery to show your faith, the same faith that you may not even be practising *sips tea*. Acknowledging my exaggeration and counting on the goodwill of several individuals it may not be as bad as it seems but we can admit that many people have things upside-down. Unfortunately, this superficiality trickles into our everyday lives. How many times today have you thought about those things you ‘NEED’ which you know are really just wants. I too am guilty of this and I strive to refocus ever so often so just remember that in the end what they will really know you by is your LOVE.

 

Debilitating Uncontrolled Memory Breach (D.U.M.B)

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I am not a medical doctor nor do I have any experience in this field. I may also be in that one percent of the population who has never watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy so help me God. However, I must say that due to my recent investigations and observation I am of the firm belief that many individuals suffer from an infectious disease which I have coined as D.U.M.B, that is, Debilitating Uncontrolled Memory Breach. Listen to me! Every evening I behold National Geographic coming to life as I witness the Safari of City Gate and the stampede of homo sapiens raging into what can only be perceived as red striped transportation chambers.

This comparison may not be exactly accurate but in a way it appears to be a human demonstration of diffusion as particles move from an area of high concentration (tightly packed group of homo sapiens) to one of low concentration (the luxurious and spacious comfort of air conditioned maxis). I have managed to capture a rare photo of this phenomenon as you will see below.

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Homo sapiens suffering from D.U.M.B rush into transportation chambers.

*this is not really my picture*

Exactly how does the disease affect an individual?

To be more specific, this disease affects one’s cognitive ability and memory.  Even the simplest instructions are extremely difficult to understand and follow. For example, the individuals seen above, although involuntarily so, are not able to follow the instructions of boarding the transportation chambers (aka vehicles) in an orderly manner as the sign suggests although it occupies a permanent and highly visible spot.

Cause 

I have yet to fully understand this disease but I am quite aware of it’s highly contagious nature due to how widespread it has become in our society. I would say that it is definitely airborne. Each day I am reminded of this sad reality when I come in contact with dumb people….sorry, people who suffer from D.U.M.B, and I try to stay far away for fear of catching it myself.

Symptoms

The following are the main symptoms:

  • Inability to follow simple instructions
  • Forgetfulness
  • Low grades
  • Repeatedly making stupid and hasty decisions
  • Constant feeling of being spaced out

 Detection

The problem with detection is that people who suffer with this disease are likely to doubt that fact even in the face of the evident proof that lies in testimonies from coworkers, friends and loved ones as well as their own actions. We can only hope that many more will come to accept that they are suffering from this disease so they can get the help they so desperately need.

When should you see a doctor? 

If you have concerns after reading this you should see a doctor if you experience any of the following as you would be in or near to the chronic stages of D.U.M.B:

  • Repeatedly being called names associated with a lack of intelligence
  • Hearing comments such as ‘do you understand the words that are comin outta my mouth?’,’ ‘think a bit more’ and ‘do you even have a brain?’
  • You are unable to control the urge to make a stupid decision that you know you will regret
  • You firmly believe that you are never wrong
  • Your IQ is a negative value
  • You are completely unable to efficiently follow any instruction given
  • You pull doors that say push and vice versa

Treatment options 

Prevention is surely better than cure and in this case where the only cure seems to be a dose of common sense then we are certainly doomed because as the familiar saying goes, ‘common sense just ain’t so common’. However, if you already have the disease I recommend that you try thinking before you speak and act. Additionally you ought to read more, maybe start with the series of books entitled  ‘………… For Dummies’.

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This driver has the right idea and is taking a proactive approach.

A lot of research is being done currently with the hope of eradicating this horrible disease. One dollar will be donated to the cause each time you share, comment or like this post.

Sorry Not Sorry

You never said sorry

And you probably never will

So why am I still waiting knowing that I’m waiting in vain?

I persevere out of the desperation to be consoled

Rather than out of a genuine source of hope

That maybe just one day you will

 

I won’t ask for what belongs to me

I won’t beg for what I deserve

I refuse to yearn constantly and be left empty

I refuse to be crippled by a mistake not forgiven

But I won’t refuse a sorry even if it’s late

 

Don’t think that you can cover it over with something material

Because the material of which my heart is made cannot be bought

A broken heart can’t be mended with empty promises and failed attempts

Don’t hide behind the merit of your actions

As if we communicate through interpretive dance

Speak!

 

I want to hear the words spoken clearly

As real as you are when you stand near me

As real as the pain I felt when you left me

As real as your apparent inability

To utter two simple words

‘I’m sorry’

 

I jumble all the phrases you’ve ever uttered

Hoping to find a complete answer

In this crossword that you’ve created with your crossed words

There’s no getting out of the maze of this word search

As I search hopelessly for those words

Which just…

Aren’t there

 

Now I feel sorry for you

Because you can’t see where you went wrong

Because your moral GPS is broken

So you’ve lost your sense of direction

And when I look in your eyes

The hurt multiplies

I carry your pain and I carry mine

So until your sorry unlocks the handcuffs that are tight enough to cripple me

I’ll be here waiting patiently

All up in my Kool-aid

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Ok let’s play a quick game. From the picture on the left, can you see my left arm? Can you see the other passengers right arm? The answers for these questions are no and yes respectively. This was my predicament one morning on my way to work. ‘Buh why this woman hada be all up in my grill tho?’ I thought to myself as I cringed uncomfortably in my seat. I went into a deep state of reflection. Is it that she’s blissfully unaware of how much space she’s actually occupying? Is the passenger next to her so big that she has no choice but to occupy her space and half of mine? Maybe it has nothing to do with her. What if this car is just too small to ‘wuk taxi’ in our Caribbean island which is now unfortunately famous for this increase in obesity hmm well big things popping (pun intended). We rel GT, no not ‘get through’ rather ‘getting thick’.

There’s also the likely possibility that she couldn’t care less because judging from the looks of it, the content of the newspaper was deemed more interesting. More interesting than making herself a bit smaller so we could have all had a comfortable ride. So there I was paying $5 to be crushed when I can do that for free every evening in City Gate while trying to get a maxi to go home (AC please). This is no easy thing to swallow in a recession, my FIVE dollars for this half ah seat #whatdjail.

In addition, not only is she making my left arm temporarily unavailable and squeezing me into the car door but her hand is positioned on top of my handbag which is on MY lap. A lil more again and she would have sat on top of me. Well that would have truly been the cherry on top of this sundae. I am amazed that I was so skilled to be able to secretly take these two pictures, with the phone on silent of course after learning from many embarrassing shutter sound sell out moments *shudders*. I still admit that it did take me a few tries but all in the name of blogging.

LESSON TIME!! Sometimes we tend to be this lady and we make those around us uncomfortable and sometimes even crush them, metaphorically of course, we crush their spirit by what we do/say or even what we don’t do/say. There are a number of reasons as well, maybe we are unaware of how big we really are (our egos) or we are the ones being pushed on by another and so sometimes even without wanting to we can take it out on someone else or we are busy reading the newspapers (i.e we are too wrapped up in our concerns, feelings and thoughts to consider others) Which category do you usually fall into? Remember that just like you each person is fighting a battle, each person has a destination to reach that may differ from yours and each person is paying a price (to which $5 could never compare) so sometimes the least you can do is step outside yourself, and go out of your way to make them comfortable. Then the least you could have done may be the most that someone else has ever received and this can make a huge difference.

Spelling duz nut matter… part too (2)

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The moment we have all been waiting for, this is part two of the ‘Spelling duz nut matter’ series. This one is special because it was sent to me by one my friends (thanks Mich) so I’m glad to see that people do take an interest in my blog. Moving along… I mentioned in one of my earlier photo opinion posts that Trinis are known for not reading instructions and this sign of rules is no exception. Maybe this is the reason why we are so bad at giving directions, because we can’t even follow simple instructions :/

See video: Taking directions from a Trini

Please draw your eyes to the third ‘NO’ which states that there should be no picknicking  or coolers allowed around the pool area and as I finish this sentence the red squiggly line has already appeared to identify and signal the culprit.

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Because what exactly is picKnicking? It amazes me that someone would have invested time into designing this, it would have been sent to print, placed in its current location and proudly reviewed by those in charge after which many visitors would have passed by it. So from its inception to now why has this spelling gone unnoticed? Maybe we are so used to how it is actually spelt that we don’t even notice. Or do they know and are just too lazy to print a new sign? (see relevant photo opinion post Slow down) Well I am drawing attention to it NOW once and for all. The sign is being covered by leaves, whether or not this is part of the whole natural ambience and design or just neglect by the groundsmen I don’t know, the white letters are turning brown to slowly camouflage with the already green background of the sign and by extension the surroundings. I would say it has served its time and therefore it should not be a problem to have a new one done with the correct spelling.

Another message for management is that they have no need to worry  about persons not adhering to such as this activity technically does not exist. Lawyers benefit a lot from similar technicalities and if I were bold enough I would toat the biggest picnic basket I could find and lay out my nicest blanket and if I were reprimanded I would smile and lift my sign that would read, ‘Do not disturb, currently picnicking not to be confused with picknicking. Kindly refer to the list of rules posted. Thank you. By my management.’ However I have yet to master this level of bravery and fearlessness so I’ll stick to blogging.

So we’re back to square one of asking ourselves if spelling really does matter and if so then to what extent. Surely on legal documents accurate spelling is a must but take a look at the linguistic masterpiece below and you will find that it may not be such a big deal in other instances.

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With or without the extra ‘b’ we all know what it is and this would hardly likely affect our decision of whether or not to purchase food here. Especially with the added bonus of the smiley reassuring you of just how tasty it is. So decide for yourself how important spelling is but for the sake of us all, in public places that require longstanding signs such as the first example, ensure that your sign has accurate spelling please and thank you.

By management.

Never Say Never

 

Be assured that you can never say never

 

We’ve all been betrayed by those whom we love dearly

Those who call themselves friends and even our family

But what hurts more than being betrayed itself is when it’s by those you really trust

You beg ‘Lord take it away but I’ll suffer if I must’

You get to a point where you can hardly bare the immensity of such pain

But you fight through it knowing that such suffering could never be in vain

Looking around for a helping hand, a smile or even someone to greet

But there’s nothing and no one..it’s as if the world had fallen asleep

 

It really is amazing to see how quickly a rumour can spread

And how selective people are to solely believe what the enemy has said

Using undeserved power to say who’s good and who’s bad, what’s wrong and what’s right  

Until the truth becomes covered by slanders and lies

It sinks deeper and lower with every mistaken stare, every lashing insult

Blood, sweat and tears is what it seems to take

To continue on the way after one is betrayed…

 

You’ve made a fool out of me with your endless mockery

Am I then now living my self-fulfilling prophecy?

How much love would it take, to shatter your myopic state?

My interior silence amplifies your shouts of disgust

So falsely interpreted, so unknowingly unjust

But I refuse to act in a way that mirrors what I must endure

Through this hurt, shame and pain I’ll love you even more

 

Love you even more although you’re unable to care

So upon my shoulders this cross I shall bear

Not pleading for answers to the hows and whys.

With each step I recall a happy memory from the past  

And with each fall I’m now reminded of the great contrast

But I’m determined to get to the top of this hill in my life

So no matter what I’ll continue to strive

 

It seems as if it’s coming to an end

Maybe you’re satisfied that you’ve had your revenge

Out of all only a few feel sorry for what they did

But the numbers aren’t important, those few I now forgive

I’ve given everything and all I can say is ‘It is done’

Three days from now I’ll rise above this and be as radiant as the sun

 

All this, I suffered for you

Because of the betrayal of those who shouted ‘Crucify Jesus, the King of the Jews!’

If someone were to ask us,

Would you fall asleep and leave your friend to suffer alone?

Would you scourge a man who did nothing wrong?

Would you crown someone with thorns and make them walk with a large wooden cross for miles?

Then nail them to the cross and leave them there to die?

 

And of course to this we’ll all answer

Me? Do such horrible things?  I could never

Well every time we sin this is what we ought to remember

And then we’ll be assured that we can never say never

Slow down

When did we start choosing between a great sense of security
And all the things that make us happy?
Well I wanted both, in a sense I demanded it
But before that there was a list to complete

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
Postponing as if I could put it off forever
Not now,maybe later, just a little while longer
I have to meet all the deadlines that were laid out from the beginning of time
Thank you society for mapping out my life
And by allowing me not to think,I forced myself to comply
I must finish somehow
Priorities and dreams
Dreams and priorities
Should there be a difference?
Which do you choose in the end?

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
Childhood flies by for some reason
But they say time flies when you’re having fun
Then comes the difficult and gruelling existence
Of a horrid stage called adolescence
School, friends, emotions, changes
It all comes in different stages
THAT’S LIFE!
Work harder, be smarter, be greater
Give more, because your all is somehow not enough

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
You do more but gain less
Lose sleep and increase stress
Accept wrongs without redress
The problems are endless
And life just seems senseless

You spiral out of control until you’re stopped suddenly by the force of
ADULTHOOD
Disoriented as to how you got there
So you stumble and try to figure it out
And just when you think you’ve got it together
The pieces fall apart even faster
Faster than you can bare to repair
Because it’s all too much

So why doesn’t time just slow down so I can do it all?
You only now decide to depend on he who could have helped from the start
And you’re amazed at the great difference that a change in perspective can bring
Now you know how to value all that you’ve unfortunately wasted
Time is running out in this journey called life
And as I sit here reflecting
I realise that it was never the time that was meant to slow down

It was me.

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