Rest in peace dear heart

Being an involuntary heart donor leaves you lifeless.
I was willing to share my heart with you
but in the end you left and took it entirely
Boldly and without remorse as if it had always belonged to you.

My mind threw out a life jacket for my heart but it was rejected
and by the time my heart decided I really needed it
I had already drowned in the ocean of you.
I should have followed the compass of my conscience
while sailing the treacherous waters of your presence.
It was too late when I realised that I had sacrificed smooth sailing
the moment I handed over the steering.

They say one day someone will hug you so tightly
That all your broken pieces will stick back together.
When did you replace that glue with water?
How did u convince me that a chokehold was the hug of a lover?
Love made me blind and so you were my leader.
Well here’s to starting over.

My heart was beaten so it was no longer beating
I was barely alive but no longer living
Now I’m left dead,
Because a body without a heart
is a corpse that has lost it’s reason for being.
And what could be more frightening?

Today I buried you in the graveyard quietly,
in the space where my heart used to be.
The place where lovers go to die.
The place where painful memories reside.
The place where broken dreams unite.

To the person who once meant everything,
You hurt me to the core.

I stand in black
In the darkness brought on by the shadow of your empty promises.
Now I must pay my respects.
Although you were my one and only dearheart,
All I can say to myself now as if it were an apology is

Rest in peace my dear…heart

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Dilemmas of a masochistic lover

Why do I keep going back when I know how it will end?
You are the junk food that I poison my body with time after time
So good but yet toxic in great quantities
And I have taken you in abundantly in greater doses than I was able to digest
And now I’m physically upset from the excess
Even mentally upset from just the thought of you
Has love turned me into a masochist?
But you see, love does not thrive on pain
So then it must be a crazy spell of infatuation that has me under a curse which I cannot escape

Your eyes are endless in wrapping me in
And your presence is like quicksand
So the more I try to get away the deeper I fall into your trance
And we go back and forth in this endless dance
But now the music is coming to an end
And the onlookers have all cleared
So I’m left in the middle of the dance floor alone yet again
While you whisper to someone else ‘May I have this dance?’

I promised myself that I would not fall in love again
While my mind agreed, somewhere along the lines my heart inserted the word ‘unless’ into the clause
And by the time I realised, I had already fallen for you

So I wish I could tell her it’s a trap
That I’ve been down that road before and it’s a dead end
But maybe you’d have some luck
Maybe you’d be the one to restore colour to that fading rainbow
So you can find your pot of gold
Maybe I was the problem

I stand here broken when I thought there was nothing left to break
Im broken
Like the silence that I have broken with my screaming outbursts of pain
Medicine can only curb physical pain
But there’s no emotional quickfix, no cure for heartbreak
I long to destroy the boomerang that you’ve placed on my heart as it makes me come back to you
Each and every time without fail
Let my fear of you truly make it the last time
This is without a doubt my final goodbye

Unanswered questions

 
How?

When?

Why?

What… did I get myself into?

 

If I knew that it would have started with a simple glance

Would I risk it now? Would I take that chance?

Your smile triggered a chain reaction

A whirlpool of feelings, emotional satisfaction

 

Yet these are the ones that I’ve come to hate

It seems like they came just a little too late

Don’t be surprised by the little child’s frown

The hate filled reply ‘Why can’t I have it? I waited so long’

 

Although by our words we can say it no longer

When words fly away, actions speak louder

I try to not be the one who’s left holding on

‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even’

 

Yet you understand it all, the thoughts in my head

Isn’t it funny how what’s worth the most are the things left unsaid

I’ll rather spend forever with you being silent by intention

Than listen to forced and fabricated verses of your affection

 

So what’s left?

 

A bittersweet memory

An unpublished fairy tale

A saddened heart

A dream in flight

..False hope

 

And in that letter I wrote to you saying:

‘I stepped onto the bridge of love to reach you but it collapsed beneath my feet

Unable to sustain the weight brought on by my inability to love you

While loving you at the same time

And from the other side you watched silently

Unable to lend the hand that I was painfully longing to hold’

 

And as much as it may seem

It can never suffice to express all that I feel

But I know that in my heart what I feel you feel as well

Even though you make it so at times I can’t quite tell

But if it’s one thing that always gets me through

Is knowing that with love there can never be a me without you

What if

 

It seems smart to avoid what brings the most pain

But hmmm… then again…

 

I just can’t, I held up for so long but I adore pain is what it seems like

Now I know the pain of losing this fight

How do you cope with a dream that was broken from the start?

When you found out too late and knew you couldn’t turn back

Or rather you ignored earlier warnings resulting in your self-inflicted pain

Was it all time spent in vain?

 

Don’t want to be stuck in the memory

‘What’ and ‘If’ so perfect when they’re apart

But together it hurts, it rips out your heart

Seems much like the story we both share

Much like the reason for every tear

And so as much as I try to erase it from my mind

There’s always that ‘what if’ brewing on the inside

 

What if:

Fairy tales went beyond just endless lines

And everlasting love was not impossible to find

 

What if:

Your heart’s desire would coincide with the other

Bringing the happiness you sought after

 

What if:

You didn’t have to depend on what others would say

Cause you experienced it yourself. Luckily hope passed your way

 

What if:

You could just bask in the freedom of expressing how you felt

Knowing without a doubt that what people said was what they meant

 

They say, ‘What would you attempt to do if you knew you couldn’t fail?’

What WOULDN’T I do seems more appropriate

Hmmm. What would I do?

 

Have you ever realised how we react when we get the ‘freedom’ we so longed for

The way all the things we planned seem to exist no more

It’s because we know all too well what we ought to do

And fool ourselves into thinking that the false things in life must somehow be true

 

But I no longer want to be a fool for loving you

When we both know it’s never coming true

I can no longer falsify what remains a reality

The obvious and fatalistic separation between you and me

So again I’m starting over hoping that even if a little you can in some way identify

Cause we promised not to say another word and I really try

 

Even as I close this envelope and send it far away

I know that there’s so much I didn’t say

But true love has a way of filling those spaces

And so all I wrote was all that was needed

 

Signed, sealed and delivered

Most truly, Your Forbidden love

 

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