Rest in peace dear heart

Being an involuntary heart donor leaves you lifeless.
I was willing to share my heart with you
but in the end you left and took it entirely
Boldly and without remorse as if it had always belonged to you.

My mind threw out a life jacket for my heart but it was rejected
and by the time my heart decided I really needed it
I had already drowned in the ocean of you.
I should have followed the compass of my conscience
while sailing the treacherous waters of your presence.
It was too late when I realised that I had sacrificed smooth sailing
the moment I handed over the steering.

They say one day someone will hug you so tightly
That all your broken pieces will stick back together.
When did you replace that glue with water?
How did u convince me that a chokehold was the hug of a lover?
Love made me blind and so you were my leader.
Well here’s to starting over.

My heart was beaten so it was no longer beating
I was barely alive but no longer living
Now I’m left dead,
Because a body without a heart
is a corpse that has lost it’s reason for being.
And what could be more frightening?

Today I buried you in the graveyard quietly,
in the space where my heart used to be.
The place where lovers go to die.
The place where painful memories reside.
The place where broken dreams unite.

To the person who once meant everything,
You hurt me to the core.

I stand in black
In the darkness brought on by the shadow of your empty promises.
Now I must pay my respects.
Although you were my one and only dearheart,
All I can say to myself now as if it were an apology is

Rest in peace my dear…heart

Mixed Signals

 

img-20160830-wa0013_liWe are all too familiar with mixed signals, sometimes much to our detriment, embarrassment and social suicide. From the most trivial ‘Is that person waving at me or someone behind me?’ to the more gut wrenching ‘Does he like me or does he like me like me?’ Let’s face it, regrettably, mixed signals and awkward situations are things we cannot seem to escape so we learn to live with them. Given that nice introduction and all, I would like someone to explain to me the situation that is happening in the picture above.

*dramatic pause for a moment of deep reflection and contemplation on life*

So…..will the real Slim Shady please stand up? (if she don’t catch that reference she too young for you bro, RUN!!) Ok ok but seriously, I could not help but laugh when I saw this ‘corrected’ error because of the random thoughts and questions that ran through my mind.

  • These two items aren’t even remotely related in terms of packaging. Hmm very suspicious.
  • Is this an exotic hybrid of sweet peppers? Fresh, goat sweet peppers…yum!
  • Is this sweet peppers or fresh goat? Can I use a lifeline please?  I’d like to ask the audience….jk we can all see that it’s clearly fresh goat.
  • Why wasn’t your hand placement higher so as to facilitate the appropriate correction of this error?
  • Ripping off the old label would have meant redoing the entire plastic wrap so lemme just slip this here real quick. Haters will say it’s laziness but we all know it’s called being ‘thrifty’ because all of a sudden you do care about saving your employers even more money than they already make.
  • Wonder what else they mixed up the labels on? #boycottoverpricedgroceries #babylonsystem #whosayhomegarden
  • Etc. etc because we all know I’m an overthinker

It’s not that I care that much about grocery store labels but if I didn’t care then what would I blog about right? Take a look at the next image.

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Which came first, the pancake or the sausage? Some may argue that animals were created first but I bet they’ve been having pancakes in heaven’s breakfast buffet since forever. Anyway, did this sausage not have a particular name before the invention of pancakes? If the word ‘pancake’ is an adjective in this scenario then I am quite perplexed. Is the pancake describing the batter used to cover the hotdog? Is it describing the type of sausages often eaten with pancakes? I NEED ANSWERS!!! This screams mixed signal and quite frankly I think they were doing a great job with the name corn dogs (maybe those originated in China #nochill).

Finally, allow me to draw reference to another example in which I was also very confused because whereas there was no question as to the product displayed, the prices were all different.

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Now, I would have liked someone to explain to me this manner of foolery as all three brushes had a different price. You can’t see the price on the last one but I promise you it was different and they clearly are all the same #76307 face brush. I was unable to count the bristles to see if perhaps some had more and if that would account for the variety in price. If I were to use a very accurate comparison I would say that the pricing gun is our consciences and the brush is ourselves. Some days I look at myself and I’m like YES!!! I am a studio master! *see label on packaging* I see a banging body, great hair and a cute, radiant smile that’s just as shiny as the silver part of the brush and I know to myself that I’m worth a whopping $31.95. Other times I feel hideous and I don’t look in the mirror for fear that it may shatter and ain’t nobody got time to clean broken glass when you’re busy crying over spilled milk right? On these days when my bristles are ruffled and I’m exhausted, my market value is reduced to $29.50. Granted the evident exaggeration, I know I’m not alone in this fight. I see you over there, you personification of a #76307 CALA face brush. We even give our own selves mixed signals, do you love me self or do you not?

Lesson time kiddies! There are many instances in which mixed signals drive us insane because we don’t like the uneasiness of uncertainty. Trivial issues pass quickly but in instances that have greater implications and require a bit more thought then my advice to you is to relax, clear your mind, be positive and know that everything will work out in due time….. or will it? See what I did there? #mixedsignal #plot twist. Just kidding! Keep your chin up and keep going because things will all get clearer soon enough!!!

Stop, Listen, Act, Repeat

Speak Lord your servant is listening… to her favourite song,
Reviewing her ambitious goals once again,
Sighing at the mountain of bills on the table,
Stressing over the difficulties at work,
Searching for the next high while struggling through the inevitable lows

Speak Lord your servant is…
Listing all that she has yet to do,
Offering prayers of empty and selfish petitions,
Sinking into a superficiality that knows no bounds
But mainly, ignoring you through the noise cancelling headphones called society as it repeats its soothing playlist of comforting lies.

Stop. Listen. Act. Repeat
Since we’re used to patterns and comforted by routine

Stop rushing through the life that you long to wholeheartedly live
You’re a living,breathing paradox
Trying to live life as you please then crying out to God on your knees
And while your heart speaks your mind hears the opposite
And when your mind reasons, your heart fails to capture it
Do your thoughts travel so far that the distance creates a language barrier which stifles understanding?
So you never come to understand the meeting point for where you are and where you’d like to be
And you can never merge who you are with who you are meant to be
Stop waiting for the right moment when this is the moment you have right now
Stop pursuing what can only provide temporary relief
Stop applying bandaids that never cause your scars to breathe and heal
Stop and listen

Listen to the voice of the ever present optimism
The one buried under the blanket that you’ve woven together with your fears, worries and failures
There’s a voice that never lies, a voice so sweet and soothing that whispers saying
Listen to me
Come to me
Cling to me
Soften your heart to cultivate and understand the words that are meant only for you
Let them bloom and may they inspire too
To provide direction in the journey of life.
And when we are tempted to stray,
May they be the flowers we stop to smell along the way
Listen and act

Act as if you have already received all that  you unceasingly hope and dream for
Be thankful if you don’t knowing that the best is what’s in store
Be the one that brings a positive change
To eliminate the same negativity we’ve all helped to create
If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains
Then we have the ability to reorder the scenery and liven up the surroundings
Why wait to then live in regret?
This is change and it goes step by step
Direct my paths so that they always lead to you
In everything I say, think and do

Speak Lord your servant IS listening
And if ever the waves of life overwhelm me and I need to retreat
I’ll know that you are there to make me complete
If ever I’m lost saying, “It’s too much, I’m weak and I can’t do it.”
I’ll stop,listen,act and repeat.

I pray,wish,hope,long,trust

I pray that your wandering eyes lead you to appreciate the wonder of true love

I pray that my vision be purified to gaze in admiration at the aura you manifest by being imperfectly perfect

I wish to savour the unique essence that only you possess and be satisfied by the fullness of how great you are

I wish you taste the sweetness that life has to offer and that in sampling what is not desired you hold firmly to all that is good

I hope that your touch is ever present to reassure me of all I already know and calm my deepest fears

I hope that my touch is always gentle and warm to eradicate the coldness of life’s challenges and speak volumes when words fall short

I long to inhale and experience the calming effects of mutual love and appreciation

I long to strive to be everything you need so you can breathe in all that you crave for and rightfully deserve

I trust that when I speak you hear me,
That the words not only enter your ears but travel further and are understood by your heart and embedded into your soul

I trust that when you speak they are always words of truth that water any drought in my mind and give life to new outlooks

I
Pray,

Wish,

Hope,

Long,

Trust.

Do you?

 

Slow down

When did we start choosing between a great sense of security
And all the things that make us happy?
Well I wanted both, in a sense I demanded it
But before that there was a list to complete

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
Postponing as if I could put it off forever
Not now,maybe later, just a little while longer
I have to meet all the deadlines that were laid out from the beginning of time
Thank you society for mapping out my life
And by allowing me not to think,I forced myself to comply
I must finish somehow
Priorities and dreams
Dreams and priorities
Should there be a difference?
Which do you choose in the end?

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
Childhood flies by for some reason
But they say time flies when you’re having fun
Then comes the difficult and gruelling existence
Of a horrid stage called adolescence
School, friends, emotions, changes
It all comes in different stages
THAT’S LIFE!
Work harder, be smarter, be greater
Give more, because your all is somehow not enough

Why doesn’t time slow down so I can do it all?
You do more but gain less
Lose sleep and increase stress
Accept wrongs without redress
The problems are endless
And life just seems senseless

You spiral out of control until you’re stopped suddenly by the force of
ADULTHOOD
Disoriented as to how you got there
So you stumble and try to figure it out
And just when you think you’ve got it together
The pieces fall apart even faster
Faster than you can bare to repair
Because it’s all too much

So why doesn’t time just slow down so I can do it all?
You only now decide to depend on he who could have helped from the start
And you’re amazed at the great difference that a change in perspective can bring
Now you know how to value all that you’ve unfortunately wasted
Time is running out in this journey called life
And as I sit here reflecting
I realise that it was never the time that was meant to slow down

It was me.

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Ode to 2015 (inspired by song titles)

These are all my thoughts
I’m thinking out loud for 2015

For all my successes
When we were young we all had many wishes
Without knowing if or when they’d come to pass
This year I’ve managed to acheive quite a lot
Many of which seemed impossible
Even in my wildest dreams
So I’m proud to look myself in the mirror and say
“Girl you earned it”

For the hard times
It wasn’t all fun and games
At times I felt as if I got locked away
Drink it all away was what they’d say
Just shut up and dance with me…
Like no one’s watching
But they were all starring
So watch me…
Watch me whip away what keeps me down
And leave them all in 2015 where they belong

To those I long to reconnect with
I’d hate to think that this is how it ends
It’s like I feel the chemicals in my bloodstream
Just tell me! What do you mean?
Because your silence tells me nothing
Thinking to myself if it’s too late now
To say sorry for all I’ve done
It’s time to rid ourselves of this bad blood
I’m hoping that a new year brings second chances

To falling in and out of love
I’ll be needing stitches for the wounds I now have
All I wanted was someone to love me like you do
I was sick of the same old love of 2014
Tired of trying when you just couldn’t see
That you’re the one I want to want me
To be my cheerleader when things get harder
My sugar when life gets bitter
Till I can’t feel face when I’m with you
But I love it …when we’re together
And there’s no need to get jealous
When your lips are moving and you are all I need
But it only lasts for
Five seconds
So prove to me how deep is your love
My elastic heart can only take so much
Just focus on me
Cuz if you want it I’m willing to work for it
If not then go love yourself
Just know that I’ll always be here
Cuz baby I’m perfect for you

To those whom we have lost
We may have all lost someone very dear
So to those who won’t accompany us into a new year
To those for whom we’ve shed many tears
We keep this love in a photograph
And cherish the memories
And as we struggle to put the pieces back together
All we need is somebody to lean on
To be there and tell us that it will all be ok
And we wait in hope that one day we will see you again

Here’s to the upcoming adventure of a lifetime
I’m ready to fill in the blank space ahead
These are all my thoughts
I’m thinking out loud for 2015
Hello 2016…. it’s me

Happy-New-Year-Greetings-Images

Stifled screams

 

I run far from you at night when I’m asleep

‘Cuz the only place where there’s freedom and happiness is in my dreams

At first it really doesn’t seem that bad

What else should I expect? Having made him so mad

It really starts so subtly I just let it slide

Till today’s degrading insult causes tomorrow’s fist fight

And the fight after that, and the one after that, and the one after that

Over and over and over again…

Till I hate myself for loving you and life’s purpose ceases to be

Till a day without fear exists only as a memory

 

Pain, anger, confusion, just to name a few

All of which are brought on by you

And the things that are supposed to be out of the ordinary

Somehow become life’s normalities

 

But as it got worse I suddenly realised

That him putting the blame on me was such a disguise

Truth is, I was scared and so I thought I must stay

So in exchange for my ‘security’ I gave my life away

 

But I left when it became a little too much

And this is how I knew when that was…

 

When the bruises were too severe to be the result of a ‘fall’

And my children suffered most of all

When I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t flinch

When he raised his hand, even if it was only an inch

When old pictures became a reminder of my smile

When I could no longer ignore the person that I was, stifled on the inside

The fear of even opening my eyes

As it meant admitting for yet another day that I was alive

But most of all:

Falling into the trap of also convincing myself

That I must somehow deserve all that I get

 

“I’m sorry I promise I won’t do it again”

But this song is all too familiar in my head

“I really love you but I don’t know what happens to me

I can’t control it I don’t know why I get so angry”

“If you leave me what would I do?

Don’t you see I’ll be a wreck without you?”

 

I believed you! I believed EVERY word!

And sometimes I wonder, how stupid can one person be?

Well unfortunately I’m the living testimony

 

The questions ran faster than I could make excuses

I’ll feel too embarrassed, should I tell anybody?

No! They’ll think I’m weak; they’ll make a fool of me

What if he really kills me if I try to leave him?

Am I risking never seeing my family and friends again?

 

Now these questions remain unanswered in my mind

But the hardest are the comments that come from the outside

Not always verbal but the stares hurt just as much

As in my mind I hear them saying, “Well she deserved just what she got”

Is there joy to be found in the victory of hiding and pretending to be strong?

Or the ultimate shame for belonging to a family that ignored it all along

For I think deep down they figured it out somehow…

 

I’d say you have to walk in my shoes to understand

But I’ll never, not for a moment wish this on anybody

You read and think “that’s sad but it would never happen to me”

Hah! Well that’s what I thought before writing my life story

 

I’ve gone through more than I could imagine and I hope I make it through

But I also know that in the end the one who truly suffered the most was you

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