Involuntary heart donor

Like a body entering cold and unfamiliar waters
I’ll adapt to you
I’ll adjust because that’s what lovers do
I’ll come down to your level to love you there
I’ll be vulnerable and lay my soul bare
With the loyalty of which you can only dream
I will personify it and make it real

As you examine the crazy world of our chemistry
You’ll find meaning in all it’s complexities
I will be the hypothesis which will allow you to prove that love is real
Dive in, experiment and take the lead
It was all I ever wanted
but how unfortunate that things didn’t go as we expected.

Being an involuntary heart donor inevitably leaves you lifeless
The funny thing is
I was willing to share my heart with you
But in the end you left and took it entirely
Boldly and without remorse as if it had always belonged to you
Now I’m left dead because a body without a heart is a corpse that has lost it’s reason for being
It’s a soul that is no longer propelled by the comfort of the heart’s constant beating

Famous lyrics broadcast what we suffer but can’t seem to articulate
And feeds a growing pain which we long to forget
Unbreak my heart, say you’ll love me again
Don’t ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for you
There’s nothing I can do, total eclipse of the heart
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing,
you cut me open and I…

I’ve realized that I can’t go on
Because you left and took my heart entirely
and all that’s left is my lifeless body.



Somehow always present
It mimics a shadow and sadly appears when the light that I need most is fading away
These shadows that plague me
These eternal insecurities

It’s a ravenous monster that feeds on every ounce of trust
And grinds every optimistic bone in my body to the finest dust
This shadow plagues me
This eternal insecurity

It’s the voice in my head telling me it just wont work
And the thought in my mind to fight against a decision I just took
My shadow plagues me
My eternal insecurity

It’s the crazy mixture of anxiety and panic that I nurture
Coupled with the same worries over and over
Many shadows plague me
Many eternal insecurities

And when love finally finds a way in
It gets kicked out the back door
Back out the door it goes
With its head bowed in defeat
Hoping to find an entrance through a vulnerable crack

I wished for your sake that I could erase this part of me
Then I saw that in reality
You are the light that shines brightly
To eliminate the shadow of my insecurities
It was then that I heard a knock at the front door
It was love hoping to enter once more

Rest in peace dear heart

Being an involuntary heart donor leaves you lifeless.
I was willing to share my heart with you
but in the end you left and took it entirely
Boldly and without remorse as if it had always belonged to you.

My mind threw out a life jacket for my heart but it was rejected
and by the time my heart decided I really needed it
I had already drowned in the ocean of you.
I should have followed the compass of my conscience
while sailing the treacherous waters of your presence.
It was too late when I realised that I had sacrificed smooth sailing
the moment I handed over the steering.

They say one day someone will hug you so tightly
That all your broken pieces will stick back together.
When did you replace that glue with water?
How did u convince me that a chokehold was the hug of a lover?
Love made me blind and so you were my leader.
Well here’s to starting over.

My heart was beaten so it was no longer beating
I was barely alive but no longer living
Now I’m left dead,
Because a body without a heart
is a corpse that has lost it’s reason for being.
And what could be more frightening?

Today I buried you in the graveyard quietly,
in the space where my heart used to be.
The place where lovers go to die.
The place where painful memories reside.
The place where broken dreams unite.

To the person who once meant everything,
You hurt me to the core.

I stand in black
In the darkness brought on by the shadow of your empty promises.
Now I must pay my respects.
Although you were my one and only dearheart,
All I can say to myself now as if it were an apology is

Rest in peace my dear…heart

Sorry Not Sorry

You never said sorry

And you probably never will

So why am I still waiting knowing that I’m waiting in vain?

I persevere out of the desperation to be consoled

Rather than out of a genuine source of hope

That maybe just one day you will


I won’t ask for what belongs to me

I won’t beg for what I deserve

I refuse to yearn constantly and be left empty

I refuse to be crippled by a mistake not forgiven

But I won’t refuse a sorry even if it’s late


Don’t think that you can cover it over with something material

Because the material of which my heart is made cannot be bought

A broken heart can’t be mended with empty promises and failed attempts

Don’t hide behind the merit of your actions

As if we communicate through interpretive dance



I want to hear the words spoken clearly

As real as you are when you stand near me

As real as the pain I felt when you left me

As real as your apparent inability

To utter two simple words

‘I’m sorry’


I jumble all the phrases you’ve ever uttered

Hoping to find a complete answer

In this crossword that you’ve created with your crossed words

There’s no getting out of the maze of this word search

As I search hopelessly for those words

Which just…

Aren’t there


Now I feel sorry for you

Because you can’t see where you went wrong

Because your moral GPS is broken

So you’ve lost your sense of direction

And when I look in your eyes

The hurt multiplies

I carry your pain and I carry mine

So until your sorry unlocks the handcuffs that are tight enough to cripple me

I’ll be here waiting patiently

Never Say Never


Be assured that you can never say never


We’ve all been betrayed by those whom we love dearly

Those who call themselves friends and even our family

But what hurts more than being betrayed itself is when it’s by those you really trust

You beg ‘Lord take it away but I’ll suffer if I must’

You get to a point where you can hardly bare the immensity of such pain

But you fight through it knowing that such suffering could never be in vain

Looking around for a helping hand, a smile or even someone to greet

But there’s nothing and no’s as if the world had fallen asleep


It really is amazing to see how quickly a rumour can spread

And how selective people are to solely believe what the enemy has said

Using undeserved power to say who’s good and who’s bad, what’s wrong and what’s right  

Until the truth becomes covered by slanders and lies

It sinks deeper and lower with every mistaken stare, every lashing insult

Blood, sweat and tears is what it seems to take

To continue on the way after one is betrayed…


You’ve made a fool out of me with your endless mockery

Am I then now living my self-fulfilling prophecy?

How much love would it take, to shatter your myopic state?

My interior silence amplifies your shouts of disgust

So falsely interpreted, so unknowingly unjust

But I refuse to act in a way that mirrors what I must endure

Through this hurt, shame and pain I’ll love you even more


Love you even more although you’re unable to care

So upon my shoulders this cross I shall bear

Not pleading for answers to the hows and whys.

With each step I recall a happy memory from the past  

And with each fall I’m now reminded of the great contrast

But I’m determined to get to the top of this hill in my life

So no matter what I’ll continue to strive


It seems as if it’s coming to an end

Maybe you’re satisfied that you’ve had your revenge

Out of all only a few feel sorry for what they did

But the numbers aren’t important, those few I now forgive

I’ve given everything and all I can say is ‘It is done’

Three days from now I’ll rise above this and be as radiant as the sun


All this, I suffered for you

Because of the betrayal of those who shouted ‘Crucify Jesus, the King of the Jews!’

If someone were to ask us,

Would you fall asleep and leave your friend to suffer alone?

Would you scourge a man who did nothing wrong?

Would you crown someone with thorns and make them walk with a large wooden cross for miles?

Then nail them to the cross and leave them there to die?


And of course to this we’ll all answer

Me? Do such horrible things?  I could never

Well every time we sin this is what we ought to remember

And then we’ll be assured that we can never say never







Pain and Poetry

The best works are written when you experience the most pain

Pain leaves you vulnerable

Vulnerability makes you open

Openness dispels lies

Lying covers the truth

Truth leads you to acceptance

Acceptance of the pain you experience

Experience tells you it’s only for a moment

A moment can sometimes feel like too long

Longing for it to all be over

Over yet another obstacle

Obstacles somehow bring out the best

And so

The best works are written when we experience the most pain

Stifled screams


I run far from you at night when I’m asleep

‘Cuz the only place where there’s freedom and happiness is in my dreams

At first it really doesn’t seem that bad

What else should I expect? Having made him so mad

It really starts so subtly I just let it slide

Till today’s degrading insult causes tomorrow’s fist fight

And the fight after that, and the one after that, and the one after that

Over and over and over again…

Till I hate myself for loving you and life’s purpose ceases to be

Till a day without fear exists only as a memory


Pain, anger, confusion, just to name a few

All of which are brought on by you

And the things that are supposed to be out of the ordinary

Somehow become life’s normalities


But as it got worse I suddenly realised

That him putting the blame on me was such a disguise

Truth is, I was scared and so I thought I must stay

So in exchange for my ‘security’ I gave my life away


But I left when it became a little too much

And this is how I knew when that was…


When the bruises were too severe to be the result of a ‘fall’

And my children suffered most of all

When I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t flinch

When he raised his hand, even if it was only an inch

When old pictures became a reminder of my smile

When I could no longer ignore the person that I was, stifled on the inside

The fear of even opening my eyes

As it meant admitting for yet another day that I was alive

But most of all:

Falling into the trap of also convincing myself

That I must somehow deserve all that I get


“I’m sorry I promise I won’t do it again”

But this song is all too familiar in my head

“I really love you but I don’t know what happens to me

I can’t control it I don’t know why I get so angry”

“If you leave me what would I do?

Don’t you see I’ll be a wreck without you?”


I believed you! I believed EVERY word!

And sometimes I wonder, how stupid can one person be?

Well unfortunately I’m the living testimony


The questions ran faster than I could make excuses

I’ll feel too embarrassed, should I tell anybody?

No! They’ll think I’m weak; they’ll make a fool of me

What if he really kills me if I try to leave him?

Am I risking never seeing my family and friends again?


Now these questions remain unanswered in my mind

But the hardest are the comments that come from the outside

Not always verbal but the stares hurt just as much

As in my mind I hear them saying, “Well she deserved just what she got”

Is there joy to be found in the victory of hiding and pretending to be strong?

Or the ultimate shame for belonging to a family that ignored it all along

For I think deep down they figured it out somehow…


I’d say you have to walk in my shoes to understand

But I’ll never, not for a moment wish this on anybody

You read and think “that’s sad but it would never happen to me”

Hah! Well that’s what I thought before writing my life story


I’ve gone through more than I could imagine and I hope I make it through

But I also know that in the end the one who truly suffered the most was you

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